bloodcurdling shriek

in the silent light and moon-lit streets, the crowing of crows, a glint of silver and light swings towards you, it hits the wall beside your left ear, grazing it slight such you feel the burning sensation of hot warm red dripping down your ear. You look to see who threw, looking at the darkness in the eye, you saw nothing but hear footsteps, fast-paced as if sprint, out of the abyss, you see the glint of psychotic glimmer in eyes of a murderer charging straight towards you. You turn on your heel and bolted off, adrenaline pumping through your bloodstream, heart palpitating. “HAHAHHAHAH” the laughter of your executioner echoing through the air, every orifice of your body was leaking in some way, tears fell down your cheeks, warm liquid streams down your legs, bile piles up at the back of your throat, your lungs scream, your mind goes into a frenzy, hyperactive, in an over-drive searching for whatever course of action you should take, and you never stop running for your life, with each thud of his footsteps, you knew he was gaining ground, this was it, you were going to meet your end\

The impending doom that loomed over me, causing my stomach to drop as if I had just eaten a three-day-old burrito, I wasn’t quite clear exactly what I was feeling just that there was a sense of foreboding. Upon reaching my doorstep, it hit me, like a punch in the gut, a typhoon slamming full force into my flimsy self and emotional state, razing the wall of cardboard defence in my mind. Now I had a word to describe this feeling: anxiety. An alarm constantly ringing in my mind, the snooze button hit repeatedly, I had thought it was going to be over, I had enjoyed too much of a good time, my week was too pleasant that something just had to happen to spoil it. My celebration had been pre-mature, why did I think I could have enjoyed peace. Worry, frustration, anxiety every negative emotion that call to mind, you name it, I felt it, my happiness evaporated so easily, my motivation dissipated from my muscles so instantly as if it had never been there at all, I fell motionless, in slow motion to the ground. Annoyance, anger, I wanted to scream, I was never the violent type but at that moment, every will in my body was focusing on not punching the drywall and ending up with a bloodied knuckle. It is such a trivial thing but I hated even tolerating the thought of it in my mind, it radiated toxicity, polluting my veins and arteries with despair and anguish, every cell in my body was completely and utterly repulsed, after all, it had been barricaded for a reason. This curtain that has just been unveiled, torn apart without my consent, without a thought for my privacy and vulnerability, shame could be read all over me, shame and self-hatred. I never had the mental capacity to deal with emotions but to have to deal with this elephant in the room, this giant mammoth hairy four-legged being covered in mud and surrounded by flies of trauma, the air around pungent as ammonia, I was not ready to deal with it. Denial and avoidance, my two favourite buddies, anything that tried to hurt me, taken away, the emotional baggage had no space to be in my mind, I threw it away, locked inside a box that was locked inside a safe that was locked inside a door, in a house. There is no key, there never was, the key didn’t exist, the lock formed without it, the lock was never meant to be opened, never meant to be accessed by anyone, certainly not supposed to be triggered, but it broke out anyway, the baggage filled with my most uncomfortable parts of myself, parts that even I could not bear to even cast a glance at, I lived by the motto, what I can’t see doesn’t exist, ignorant as I may be, it was a defence mechanism, every time it presented itself, I made a left turn, down to confrontation ally, right past denial street, there may be dead-end but at least there was an end and not a dark pathway to the unknown that I was unwilling to light up, much less tread foot in. A natural disaster was occurring inside of me, tsunamis with waves that grew and heightened to a twelve-story building, reaching its climax and crashing down like a roller-coaster ride, the thrill never there, only fear as the sky darkened, covered by the wave, the imminent feeling of doom and death as it reached zero velocity before slamming down with all of the hatred that gravity powered it with. Panic, panic and more panic, it came in droves, like wasps chasing the perpetrator that disturbed its nest, hungry for revenge, the enraged buzzing of wings, I curled up in fetal position, wishing I could materialise a cacoon to encase me, to block out everything nasty out there to get me, but my attacker wasn’t external, he lived within my being, I could not remove him, he was part of me. I hated him. Hated him for hating me, I wanted to fling a glass bottle in his face, watch the shattered pieces of glass cut into his skin, slicing streaks of red marks across his body that would then be scared into myself, with each cry, I dug the blade harder into his chest, my own mind bled and wept, crystal clear tears mixing with vibrant streams of red, forming a river of pain and suffering that washes over me, covering my face and skin. It was sticky, clinging to the hair of my arm, staining me permanently, I felt violated, by myself, the poison seeped in through my skin while also spreading outwards from within, its viscosity thick like syrup, so sweet that it was bitter, causing you to spit it out from reflex. My body was a carcass, a cadaver with its liquid and humanity drained, I didn’t want to fight anymore, success and failure led to the same ending, I tried being brave, I really did, but it’s time to retire, no more, I say to myself, no more fighting, I told myself, no more pushing back, and no more pain, I promise. I stopped, whispered goodnight and turned off the lights, red was the last thing I saw.